The people off at the end of the street all turned when they spotted Richard’s force coming. More people—men and women from the city—surged into the street in front of the compound of buildings the soldiers had taken up as barracks and a command post. The people looked like a scraggly lot.
TARGET ACQUIRED: FILTHY HIPPIE STRAW-LIBERALS
"No war! No war! No war!" the people shouted as Richard led the men up the street at a dead run.
"LEFTISTS," HE SNARLED LOGICALLY, AND PREPARED TO COMMIT MURDERS
"Out of the way!" Richard yelled as he closed the distance. This was no time for subtlety or discussions: the success of their attack depended in large part on speed.
JUST LIKE ON THAT AWFUL DAY IN SA’TEMBER OF 6001, WHEN THE NATION WAS ATTACKED BY ITS GREATEST ENEMY: IRAKIST’AN
"Get out of the way! This is your only warning! Get out of the way or die!"
CRIED G’ORGE BUSH, PRESIDENTIALLY
"Stop the hate! Stop the hate!" the people chanted as they locked arms.
NO TIME TO PASS A THINLY DISGUISED FANTASY WORLD VERSION OF THE PATRIOT ACT AND PUT THESE UNAMERICAN SLEAZEBALLS IN JAIL! THE ONLY SOLUTION POSSIBLE IS MURDERS
They had no idea how much hate was raging through Richard.
THE AUDIENCE, HOWEVER, GLISTENS WITH THE RIGHTEOUS SPRAY OF AUTHORIAL SPITTLE, AND HAS A PRETTY GOOD IDEA
He drew the Sword of Truth. The wrath of its magic didn’t come out with it, but he had enough of his own. He slowed to a trot.
TRUTH WILL STOP THESE FOUL SOCIALISTS PROTESTING IN PUBLIC! BY THE POWER OF THE WIZARD AYNR’AND, I AM HE-MURICAN!
"Move!" Richard called as he bore down on the people.
A plump, curly-haired woman took a step out from the others.
FEMALE BIPED SPOTTED
WEIGHT ANALYSIS: INADEQUATE
ACQUIESCENCE LEVEL: ASSERTIVE, LOUD
CONCLUSION: USELESS. EXTERMINATE.
Her round face was red with anger as she screamed. "Stop the hate! No war! Stop the hate! No war!"
"HI MY NAME IS OBESE ANGRY FEMALE AND I’LL BE YOUR FROTHING IRRATIONAL STRAWMAN FOR THIS FANTASY REVENGE SCENARIO”
"Move or die!" Richard yelled as he picked up speed.
The red-faced woman shook her fleshy fist at Richard and his men, leading an angry chant. “Murderers! Murderers! Murderers!”
"DIE, AMERICA" SHE PROTESTED FATLY THROUGH A MOUTH FULL OF FOOD PAID FOR BY THE WORK-SWEAT OF TAXPAYERS. "MAUSLIM MAN, COME IMPREGNATE MY CORPULENT MASS SWIFTLY SO I CAN GET RICH ON BENEFITS!"
HER PIGGY FAT EYES NARROWED IN A CLEAR IF PUDGY CHALLENGE TO THE GREATEST NATION ON EARTH
SLYLY SHE CASHED A WELFARE CHECK
On his way past her, gritting his teeth as he screamed with the fury of the attack begun, Richard took a powerful swing, lopping off the woman’s head and upraised arm.
AND THE AUTHOR GETS AN AWKWARD PUBLIC BONER…. NOW.
Strings of blood and gore splashed across the faces behind her even as some still chanted their empty words. The head and loose arm tumbled through the crowd. A man mad the mistake of reaching for Richard’s weapon, and took the full weight of a charging thrust.
THAT WILL TEACH BITCHES TO DISAGREE WITH ME, THE FEDORA-CLAD TEEN BELLOWED MANFULLY FROM BENEATH HIS SCRAGGLY TEENAGE MUSTACHE AS HE SHOT UP THE SCHOOL
Men behind Richard hit the line of evil’s guardians with unrestrained violence. People armed only with their hatred for moral clarity fell bloodied, terribly injured, and dead.
AYN RAND ARE YOU WATCHING
IT’S ALL FOR YOU AYNNIE
ALL FOR YOU
The line of people collapsed before the merciless charge. Some of the people, screaming their contempt, used their fists to attack Richard’s men. They were met with swift and deadly
AND THEN THE ENTIRE ARMY STOOD UP AND CLAPPED AND THE PROTESTER BODY PARTS GOT UP AND SLUNK AWAY IN SHAME AT BEING SO TOTALLY OWNED BY THE HERO’S NECESSARY USE OF LOGIC AND VIOLENCE AND HE WAS GIVEN A COUPON FOR A FREE BIG SCREEN TV TO WATCH GAME OF THRONES ON AND THE MANAGER PERSONALLY THANKED HIM FOR GETTING RID OF THOSE JERKS AND HE TOTALLY GOT TO SECOND BASE WITH THE USELESS FEMALE SIDEKICK THAT VERY NIGHT AND SHE SHOWED HIM HER BRA
AND THAT WARRIOR’S NAME WAS… RON PAUL.
(yes this really is an actual excerpt from the book “naked empire” by Terry Goodkind. AVOID)
are we supposed to be cheering for this walking asscancer as he slaughters unarmed civilians?
Hrm. I actually read like 7 books into this series, and maybe because I tend to suspend disbelief really easily when reading, I actually didn’t pick up on a lot of the themes that you just pointed out.
I remember, though, what made me stop reading these, was that Kahlan got kidnapped or taken hostage for like, the 8th time, and I was done. While it feels like the sexism is more subtle than a lot of fantasy - especially lofty philosophical fantasy - that I have read, it’s still really obvious that no matter how incredible and accomplished the female is, her power is really obviously only about “love”, “sex”, and “the home”, and will always have to be saved by either her feminine wiles or the kind of clueless farm boy that one always sees as a main character.
And that kind of broke it for me, because I looked back at all the women characters in this and it irritated the fuck out of me.
Yikes! I haven’t read any of the books, I’ve heard rumours that Naked Empire was some sort of jingoistic rage snake, but this is way over in Poe’s Law territory. (I’m not sure if it would’ve been more or less terrible if the sword was in red “righteous rage” mode or white “love & forgiveness” mode instead of remaining inactive.)
(Honestly, I’m kind of disappointed that Legend of the Seeker never made it past season 2. I was morbidly curious about how the writers would handle that trainwreck after they got to the point where it jumped the shark with the doomchicken and the hamfisted late nineties Clinton parody villains.)